It’s been 5 months since the last time we saw each other, let alone since we’ve spoken to each other. & I was doing quite alright if you asked me. I was learning how to live without you and I was getting on with my life just fine. & I was so sure that I was ‘over’ you until I saw you last night, but as soon I saw you standing there .. my heart dropped and I was drowned in all these mixed emotions and it had become apparent to me that the feelings are blatantly still there. Oh, and of course you would be one of the first people I see as I walk in. & As blind as I am, I’d still be able to recognize you from a hundred miles away .. even with your back turned to me. Although, I highly doubt that you even noticed I was there last night. Thank goodness for my girls for keeping me in check. I wanted so badly to talk to you. I wanted to go up to you and give you a hug. I wanted to ask how you’ve been and I wanted to tell you that I’ve missed you. But you were there with another girl. & She smiled at me without a single clue in the world of who I was .. & that’s exactly what I mean - who.I.was - because I’m nothing to you now. But all of that doesn’t matter. I’m not going to spend my time wondering what would have happened if I had gone up to you or if I had said something, and even if I had done all that, there are no ‘what ifs’ because whatever happened is the only thing that could have happened, right? I could only hope that things are good for you and I really do hope you’re happy, Reginald. It was good seeing you. Take care.
Posts tagged vent.
I don’t want to be angry anymore.
I have all the reason to hate you, but I’m tired of being so angry all the time. I just want to able to forgive and let go. I want to get past all that. Because retaining all this bitterness and resentment is doing me no good. & I want to say it’s okay because I am who I am because of it, but I just can’t seem to get over the thought of how different things would be .. how different I would be if it had not happened.
I know for a fact that if this had happened any other way than it did, I would still be ‘stuck’, like every other time I’ve taken you back, even after all the wrong you did. But what makes this ordeal different than the rest .. I caught you in the act and, now, I just have this solid image in my mind - of you. and her. in bed. How lovely. And to think, I had the utmost respect and absolute gratitude for you. I used to think so highly of you. You were someone I had given my undying love to, so relentlessly and so willingly even after everything. Oh, how I really did love you. I put my faith in you and I trusted you to be honest and real with me, but you deceived me into believing that you really did care. And this is why I could never be with you, even if I had wanted to or if I had the chance to. My memory of you has been tarnished with the thought of you and her. I can’t look or think of you the same way anymore.
Here’s the thing. I don’t like you. & I’m seriously not gonna sit here and act like I do. When it comes to business, lets keep it professional. I’ll be nice enough to say hi to you at events, whatever. I’m not rude. I’m just not trynna have a conversation with you when I honestly don’t give two fucks about what you say. We work under the same name, but it’s not like I signed up to be your best friend or anything. just saying (:
I just hate the thought of someone taking my place & you doing all the things we used to do with her. I want it to be so that everything we’ve done together stays between us .. like it was our thing, you know? & I wonder what your mom thinks of her? .. if she likes her and thinks she’s cute. or if she misses me and if she ever asks about me. What about your sister? Does it affect her in any way? I’m curious. I wanna know how much has changed since we stopped talking. how much of our relationship you threw away and how much was kept of it. if you miss me or if you ever stop to think about me, too. if you feel for her and cater to her like you did me. if you’re doing better or if you’re happy with where you’re at. Just curious.
I wanna find someone I can love for a lifetime, have a family of our own, and grow old together. but sometimes, I feel like I’m never going to find someone to settle down with. I mean I know I’m still young, but I’m scared of the thought of being alone. You know? I’m really in no rush to be a relationship though, especially as of right now. I’m still trying to get over everything and trying to figure things out. I’m just doing my own thing. & I know things aren’t really all that great at home and whatnot, but I’m good with where I’m at. & I’m actually a lot happier than I used to be.
To my anon - I know not who you are nor for what reason you write with anonymity, but let me tell you something. It has become apparent to me that you and a handful of other people don’t understand just how much he means to me. & it’s quite bothersome how so many of you undermine the relationship I had with him. First of alll, he’s so much more to me than ‘just someone’ I confide in. For the past 5 years, that guy has been everything to me. Granted, he did me wrong in so many ways and he hurt me even after he swore ‘never again,’ but I’ve told my share of lies and I’ve done some things I’m not too proud of. & I can assure you that he’s not the type of guy that just wants to ‘fuck’. When it came down to the nittygritty, he was a ride or die type of fella. He made me feel safe and comfortable. He’s really easy to talk to, too. I enjoy our conversations and our heart-to-hearts. & I really enjoy his company. There was never a dull moment with him. even if we just sat there, playing cards or watching tv. I liked going places with him and taking him w/ me when I went out with my friends & I liked getting all dolled up, even if I knew I didn’t have to, but because I wanted to look good for him. I liked being loveydovey and cute with him. I know he’s not really into that whole lovedovey type of thing anymore, but still. & I know we got on each others nerves and we argued a lot, but when you find someone that makes you as happy as he makes me, you learn to overlook all that petty kind of stuff. & seconnd. I don’t think he should have to change. He’s not a bad person. He’s a really good friend, too. That’s why I love him so much; he’s great. Seriously though. I mean that’s why it was so hard for me to let him go .. not just because I still have feelings for him, but because if I let him go, I know I’d be losing my bestfriend, too.
You don’t know shit about me, so who the fuck are you to talk shit? & What I do is none of your damn business, so don’t try and call me out on my shit.
